our marriage reflects us
The Torah reminds us that we are blinded to our own faults. We only see those of others. No where is this more true than in a marriage. Unless we do the near impossible but imperative task of shrinking our ego and surrendering in complete humility, we cannot see ourselves for who we truly are.
So if I can be honest with myself and I realise that the anger and resentment that I felt had nothing to do with my husband but long heap-up disappointments that are ancient and buried. They are mainly the deep sadness of not being celebrated as a child. Pains that I had neither the capability nor the vocabulary to express at that time but had come to haunt me in my marriage and relationships that trigger those memories.
Of course, being self-focus and self-absorbed that we naturally are didn’t help, neither did Hollywood’s depiction and conditioning of what love is. These all add to our bitterness and keep us at a low level we call pity-pot.
My husband’s actions (which I perpetuated) only reminded me of what I’d suspected all along — that I was unworthy and unlovable. Albeit an erroneous message, it was one that I received time and again as a child — an agreement that I’d made with myself on a subconscious level long before I met my husband. As a relationship coach, I see how this has caused so much unnecessary pains and sufferings in so many marriages.
The resentments that we feel toward our husband are often misdirected. They are but years of unarticulated hurt and repressed emotions that are often independent of them — a result of wrongful evaluations of who we are and a disconnection from our true, G-dly self.
Instead of taking the courage to nurse ourselves and express our emotions in a non-blaming way (who wants to be more vulnerable and risk rejections?) It is far easier to blame and focus on all that is wrong with our husband. After all, we are accustomed to being a victim and feeling sorry for ourselves. It’s the known vs the unknown.
If we truly understand that there’s no greater blessing in this world than our marriage, we can be rid of the plaque that break up so many marriages today. Our spouse is not separate but a part of us. We are one — your right hand never yells at your left for what it does or doesn’t do. Never mind the long list of unspoken things that our husband does do and the sacrifices that he does make daily for our comfort and enjoyment. The truth is we belong together. There’s nothing better.
Turns out, all that we see in our husband is but a reflection of who we are. So did I marry a sometimes insensitive, often forgetful and generally air-headed guy? Yes, but so what? He is mine. Did he marry a hyper-sensitive, overly critical and often cranky and controlling wife? Yes, but we won’t go there.
A shift in perception produces miracles. We can turn our marriage around with a simple desire (and a ton of prayers) because marriage is not our idea. It is G-D’s idea. He is the one to command us to get married. So help us G-D!
May we be awakened to the good that is specifically and especially our G-D given husband and the precious children that we share. May we attain marital peace as we achieve our personal and collective Redemption. May it be Now.