The D WORD
The ever affable and humorous Rebbetzen Mizhrahi was once quoted: “Don’t be so very-very quick to Divorce. Nothing so-very-very-better is waiting for you.” “Rega!” she said in her thick Israeli accent, “Men need time to learn. 10 years, 20 years, 50 year! I’m still waiting.”
But most women who are sad, lonely or plain angry would simply say: “I don’t need this. It’s not my job to raise him. I just want out.” They are plain tired and fed-up.
“Every marriage over a week has grounds for divorce. The trick is to stay married.”
While this is true, men or women who want out both have a long list of grievances, all legitimate. Understandably so especially if we grew up in families where hostility is the norm and emotions are consistently invalidated. It’s likely we’ve never learned to be vulnerable either. It takes courage to be vulnerable — who wants to risk getting hurt, again?
Years of repressed sadness, anger and disappointments now turned into rage — as in “my husband just don’t get it!” or more accurately, if my parents didn’t get it, why should my husband? It’s all hopeless.
Although divorce is a mitzvah when it’s unbearable for even one spouse, and we all know people who are better off without each other, consider the following before you run to the divorce lawyers:
Why do we bless our newly weds with marriage as that of Adam and Chava (Eve)? Couldn’t we have blessed them with more recent marriages like that of their great-grandparents which lasted over 60 years and are familiar to them? The answer is because Adam and Chava were the only people in all of creation who never once questioned if they were married to the wrong person or that they should have been married to someone else.
It is also interesting to note that no one ever questions if the children born to them are their bershert, but their father… is another story. In another words, how can your children be pre-destined to you but your spouse is not when we are told that it’s all pre-ordained before we were even born!
The good news is we are never alone. Our Matriarchs Sarah, Rivka, Leah and Rachel and all the women who came before us had already laid the foundation. They’d overcome matrimonial challenges, some beyond human comprehension, like that of Rachel and Leah’s. They have triumphed and left us with the cosmic blue print and opening for success.
Our Mother, Ema-Leah, as an example, knows all so well the pains of waking up the morning after the wedding and wonder: Who are you? What did I marry? This must be a mistake!
Although it was her groom that was tricked into marrying her, Leah had to learn the gut-wrenching lesson of patience in a lonesome, love-less marriage.
Yet the Torah tells us she went from the hated woman (senuah) to the beloved woman (nesuah) and was the only one buried for eternity next to her husband. How did our Matriarch Leah transformed her near-impossible marriage?
Leah gave us the power of Hakoach lehakot — through her fervent prayers and determination, she taught us the wisdom of Patience, Gratitude and Trust in G-D. When we feel our patience running out, we can call on our EMA Leah whose spiritual DNA we inherited and who’s waiting to assist us and to give us strength. In calling her we also awakened the Leah within us.
Patience is a virtue we have in infinity for our children, no matter how hard they try us, that means we have it! But how when it comes to their father, everything he does get on your last nerve?
Leah teaches us that gratitude cultivates patience in marriage.
Leah was destined to marry Aisav (a beast of a man) yet through her impassioned prayers was granted Jacob (an angel of a man). One who was destined for her sister. Leah’s mere gratitude kept her going.
No matter how hostile and antagonistic a marriage, we can find reasons to be grateful, even if the love isn’t there right this minute. Love is an emotion and by nature, wavering. Marriage is far more significant and far greater than a fleeting emotion. The notion that we belong to each other, we are home with each other — that’s infinitely more real, lasting and solid than love. For that alone we can be grateful.
Where there’s respect (even if he doesn’t deserve it) and kindness (even if you don’t feel like it) and generosity (even if you have to muster it) love will surely resurface, sooner or later.
Leah also teaches us trust. When everyone around her mocked at her pathetic marital status, Leah put her trust entirely in G-D and thanking Him unceasingly, naming her children accordingly — Reueven, Shimon, Levy — as in: Look how G-D loves me. He gave me this child and that child.
The Rebbe tells us: When a person decides to place their trust in G-D believing that their current crisis will be resolved favourably despite facing a bleak reality, they have in effect risen above their own nature, which in turn elicits reciprocally the suspension of Divine order in which only the righteous are deserving of salvation. G-D understands how difficult and even “supernatural” it is for a human to believe sincerely — to the degree that he or she no longer experiences fear and anxiety — that an unpromising and even seemingly hopeless situation will have a positive outcome. Therefore, as a result, and reward for the extraordinary act of “thinking good” G-D deems the believe who may be otherwise underserving of a positive outcome as deserving of an extra measure of Divine generosity in this instance.
According to Laura Doyle whose holy mission is to end world divorce, every marriage is saveable simply from a shift in perspective in the wife. Husbands are irrelevant.
In her book, The Empowered Wife, she introduced simple steps to regain intimacy in marriage and opens our eyes to lessons our mothers should have taught us but didn’t (Well, no one taught them either) such as how to express our desires (masked in demands) in a way that inspires.
She asks, “Do you practice self-care?” Do you even know what that means? In another word, are you depleted? Do you do things every day that delight and energise you? Well then you have no reserves to deal with any challenge. “Planned pleasures” is key for those of us who are accustomed to giving and cringe at receiving.
Additionally, is there someone you can talk to when it gets to be too much. Many divorces can be avoided just by having someone to confide in during those crucial moments of despair. Call someone. Don’t go through it alone. Your mentor, a sister or a true friend will not judge you or your husband.
The feeling that our marriage is on the verge of divorce is simply a condition of golus/exile. It is not real. Our true destiny is eternal Yiddishe and Chassidishe bliss — the kinds that ensure strong, resilient and joyful offsprings.
Your decision today as the Matriarchs of your own clan affects all future generations. It pays to pause, regroup and invoke the names of our Imahos before giving it all up. For some that means not dwelling in regrets but heal from the pains of divorce and move on. For others, it’s finding every morsel of strength to stay positive and charge forward with confidence of success. One way or other, don’t put it on the children and don’t go through it alone.
*This blog was inspired by Rebbezin Mizhrahi, Rabbi Manis Friedman, Laura Doyle and all who are striving for greater matrimonial bliss.