will the REAL you please stand up?

3 Ways to Meet the Real New YOU!

Did you know that the human epidermis, the part that meets the world, renews itself every 5 to 6 weeks? The concept of renewal is central to my practice as a relationship therapist. In other words, seeing ourselves and our loved ones (yes the same people who get under our skin) with new eyes and renewed feelings everyday. It’s imperative to any relationships, not to mention our Avodah Hashem or service of G-D, i.e. our entire purpose in this world. 

Just how do we do that when there are a myriad of things that zap our energy and our desires for renewal?

There’s the daily grind of living and working side by side, witnessing one another's complex temperaments, idiosyncrasies and personalities, none of which add to our joie de vivre.

1.Recognise cosmic system and assistance. 

Chassidus explains that the Almighty, Creator and Master of the Universe, creates the world anew every second of every day, moment by moment, so much so that if He were to stop for even a millisecond, the world would cease to exist. 

G-D invites and includes us in this constant and unceasing process whereby we are recharged, revitalized and renewed along with the rest of creation. Thus, when we choose instead to live in yesterday’s pains and disappointments, which are inevitable parts of existence, it’s akin to saying we don’t agree and wish to overthrow the cosmic system. 

In other words, when we wallow in self-doubt and self-hate, we remove ourselves from the inexhaustible power that sustains the Universe. What’s worse? The persecution of self inevitably leads to the persecution of others; when we deny G-D’s gifts, we reject the giver Himself.

The good news is if we can only recognise and align ourselves with the existing energy that already is propelling the rest of creation, it'd eliminate all our stress of going against nature. When we do that which is divinely assigned to us, we receive divine assistance and therefore we cannot fail. We simply surrender and let G-D lead. It’s the ultimate freedom. 

2. Do unto yourself as you would others. 

Now that you know the entire universe supports you and your mission in this world, you build your spiritual muscles by doing all what keeps you connected to G-D and to your true self, called mitzvah. 

Here’s how: If it’s a mitzvah, do it. If it’s not, leave it! Judaism simplifies and makes life livable and enjoyable. There’s no guesswork necessary. We don’t have to spend a lifetime figuring out what’s healthy or worthy and what’s not. Practically, we achieve this through prayers and deeds.

Every morning, we beseech G-D to open our eyes, “Baruch Ata… pokea avrim!” to see who we truly are and what we are needed for. Upon recognising our Divine self, we treat ourselves with the same respect that we would others. We realize that every negative, self-bashing thought is a war against G-D and has no place in our service of G-D. 

In this way, we accept the limitless, universal support that helps us fulfill our mission in this world. There’s no room for defeat, not because everything is perfect, but because we see the perfection in everything. This is not the same as denying our pain because pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. 

How do you do that? With a good thought. While you cannot choose your first thought, you can choose your second. As an example: First thought: I’m such an idiot, I’m so stupid, I cannot believe I just ____ (fill in the blanks). Second thought: No one is as critical of me as I am of myself. I can treat myself with the same kindness, warmth and patience that I treat others. There’s no need for self-degradation. I’ll begin by greeting myself the way that I’d greet others.  

Next example: First thought: I am anxiety-strikken, I’m falling apart, I can’t! Second thought: This is not about me. I’m only here to do what G-D needs. What does G-D need from me right now, right here? Surely, He gives me all that I need to do what He needs from me. I can relax.  

Prayers are a reminder that we’re not in charge, there’s a resumption that happens every morning when we open our eyes. Only thing is it’s continuous, it happens with or without our assistance or awareness. 

After prayers, we do the good deed of Torah learning. Today, we have no excuse. There’s no lack of ways we can learn. It’s the gift of technology. You can learn while driving, walking or waiting in any office. You can learn with a partner, which is ideal, or in a group. 

Still, doing for ourselves is not enough, help someone else in the process. “If you know alef, teach alef.” says the Lubavitcher Rebbe of righteous memory.  If you love going to the gym, help someone else build their muscles as well. If you pass a nursing home or any community facilities on your way home, offer your time and services. Call someone who’s lonely while you are in traffic to check up on them.  

Do something easy and sustainable you can incorporate into your life right now. Not a mega project in the distant future. In doing so, you’d have discovered your purpose here. Being needed is far better than being needy.   

3. Don’t go through it alone. This year, make it a priority to secure yourself a support network. Find a personal mentor if you don’t already have one. Why? Because two yetzer tovs is better than one yetzer hara. When you have someone on your side, you’d have two positive forces fighting your one negative inclination — that's a recipe for success.

Oftentimes the only thing between us and our greater good (or spiraling downward into depression and self-loath) is a simple shift in perspective. Since a problem cannot be solved from the same level of thinking in which it was created, having the humility and courage to seek help makes all the difference.

The Rebbe deemed this an important part of a person’s growth and well–being; and encouraged all people to seek the counsel of a personal mentor. Ideally, he or she is someone who is kind and cares about you. Every successful player has a coach, why shouldn’t you? There’s also no lack of faith-based therapists or life coaches who can help you break the cycle of pain and shame to your personal victory which is the triumph of all humanity. 

May your Year be positively Sweet and filled with revealed Good and May all our effort lead us to our Ultimate Redemption. May it begin with you. May it be now.