triggeerred

How to be happy when daily there’s a long list of things that cause you to be unhappy? Say you wake up in the morning rested and happy, if you are lucky, but it doesn’t take long before something happens that dampens your good mood, like the smell in the bathroom or the mess in the kitchen or someone throws a tantrum with an imaginary or real crisis. This is all before you have your cup of coffee.

As a relationship therapist, I care, counsel and commiserate all day with people with real and serious issues. Like this new husband who says: “My wife is a ticking time bomb. I walk on eggshells all day around her. I don’t know when she’s going to explode! I am not trained for this.” Or this wife who says: “My husband worries about money and tells me that we are going to run out every day. I cannot live like this.” Or this parent who says: “I don’t know who my child is! Also what qualifies me to be a parent? I quit!” Or this child who says (not in these exact words, you have to listen attentively to know): “Everyone is better than me. Nobody likes me. I’m a loser.”

It is also not uncommon to hear single people say: “Why get married? Married people have so many problems and want to be single.” And married people say: “I don’t know what my spouse wants. Nothing makes her happy.” Rich people need true friends and good health. Poor people need money and everything else. Everyone seems to have lack and a plethora of unmet needs.

Then we hear the Torah tells us: Serve G-D with Joy! Be Happy and serve G-D! Is this a joke? How do you do that when there are people all around you who are walking triggers for you. Even if you try your utmost best to be in a good mood, you are still swamped with problems and challenges that feel insurmountable. OK you are told, don’t worry, be happy or as someone says it so poetically, an attitude of gratitude is what you need to be happy. But how?

The answers lie in this truth: We are needed, not needy. Chassidism reveals to us an astounding truth that can liberate humanity from all pains and suffering, even neurosis.

To say it in lashon hakodesh (the holy language), Ani loi vree noi see ah lo shames, meaning, “I was not created other than to serve my Creator.” Which raises the question, why the inverted statement? Why not just say it straight? “I exist only to serve the Creator.”

The Rebbe decodes and explains it this way: the phrase is telling us that if we are talking about who "I" am, ani, the answer is roi mee rai. Meaning, I didn't ask to be created, which implies, don't create me and I will never complain. Ani loi vi noi see. As far as I am concerned, I don’t need to be born. So then, “El-lah?” Why then am I here? The answer is Le-shamas loi-koi, which means, "I am needed." Not that I have needs.

That is the ultimate truth of the human psyche. We were created as individuals and uniquely for a specific reason that our Creator requires of us. It used to be called el-lo-kus, which is spiritual and otherworldly, but in fact is not mystical at all. It is, in truth, a fact of human life: "I am needed." Not, "I have needs."

The needs that I have are actually needs that come with being created. They are, therefore, G-d’s needs. He needs me to need to eat, to need to sleep and to need to breathe. Those are not my needs, I didn’t ask for them. Why would I? All those needs is a burden, we need them like we need a hole in our head. I would prefer to be free and unencumbered by these needs.

Think about it, if you were to create yourself, would you create yourself with the need to eat, sleep, or shower? Would you choose the way you look or where, when and to whom you are born into?

What causes us to exist are actually His needs. Not ours. Our Creator’s needs are the reason for our existence. The result of that is we need only to know what He needs us for. In simple terms, we need to know the purpose for which He created us, because that is the only reason that we are here.

Why then would you be excited about being here? Because life means service. We live to serve. Now, you might say if you have needs, it distracts you from serving. “I wish I could help you but I got my own problems; and they look bigger than yours. So I'm going to have to take care of my problems and when I'm finished with that, maybe I’ll be available to help you.” If, however, you can reach your core and discover that you are free of all needs, then you are completely available to everyone.

In other words, if after investigating your own soul you found a need, you have not gone far enough. Had you gone deeper, you would have discovered that you really do not need a thing. There is absolutely no need, not even the need to exist, in fact, our survival instinct is a nuisance. That’s the reality of a human being.

Existence is a taxing endeavour. What keeps us going is the constant and demanding task of fulfilling the physical needs of our nefesh behamas (bodily soul). Thus, if you go deep enough in soul searching, you might get to a point in your neshama (soul) where you make the same conclusion as the kid who says he didn’t ask to be born.

Similarly, what helped people survive a trauma such as the concentration camp (or the prisons that we feel we are in sometimes in our own home) was the realization that they don't need to survive. Now the threat of not surviving was not so intimidating and paralyzing. Every moment of every day they knew they might die, and they made peace with it. They focused on what they can do this minute that has meaning and goodness to it.

Viktor Frankl developed an entire school of thought out of that realization. Who survived the concentration camps? Those who found meaning, not those who wanted to survive.

"I am needed." Not, "I have needs."

Know your purpose. When you know why you are here (only to serve G-D) and who needs you (all the people who are in your life!) then you can be happy (despite your current condition and brokenness) and from that happiness you serve G-D, naturally, with joy! Thank you Hashem for the Torah, without which we would all be a mess. Happy Shavuos people!